The Tabloid News Edition 14
Issue XIV Owned and operated by Pickles Productions, a Division of 47 Enterprises 'FROM THE EDITOR ' Let me tell you kids something about The Tabloid News. The paper you are holding is a sham, a fraud, and a waste of your hard-earned money. This material was intended to sell advertising space when it was first ran, and now that it has served its purpose and is no longer relevant, you lot have paid for something that was initially free. But, since it lines my wallet, I cannot object too strenuously to its printing. I cannot believe the useless things upon which you rabble will spend your precious few pennies! I suppose, all things being equal, you could do worse than to spend your meager funds on the journalistic pearls writ herein. Thus, that being said, on with the news . . . 'ST. MIGUEL DEMANDS RIGHT TO BE SEXUALLY HARASSED IN THE WORKPLACE ' Miguel, well known Las Vegas goat lover, filed a formal complaint Wednesday with the Las Vegas Department of Labour, citing a “gross lack of sexual harassment” at his place of work. Miguel, a cook at One Guy from Italy’s Pizza (real establishment, folks) is calling for a hostile work environment in which sexual innuendo, pressure for sexual favours, and unsolicited touching by female co-workers is condoned and even encouraged. “I want to walk into work each day comfortable in the knowledge that I may be fondled by a member of the opposite sex,” Miguel said. “Every person should have the same right to sexual harassment, regardless of age, gender, or personal odor.” 'UNIVERSE ENDS AS GOD WAKES UP NEXT TO MONEY PENNY ' The several year old universe (depends on who you talk to) came to a surprise-twist end on Friday when God woke up next to Money Penny. “What I crazy dream I just had,” God said to Money Penny at the conclusion of the popular, long-running universe. “I was the Creator of all things. I had this crazy Son who was always getting arrested and wouldn’t get a haircut, and My children were always hurting and killing each other in My name.” Money Penny reassured God that He had just imagined the whole thing and urged the unhappy deity to back to sleep. 'ADVERTISEMENT ' Tired of having your boss wake you up when napping at your desk? Tired of your wife walking into the garage when you’re alone with your special magazines? Well then, try the new “cow bell.” Simply order the 47 Enterprises specially made cowbell brilliantly disguised as either a fetching necklace or handsome tie, and the bell will always warn you of impending doom. You know what this problem needs? It needs more cowbell! 'INNER CITY SLAYING LEAVES LOCAL EDITOR MAIDLESS ' A string of inner city murders in Atlanta, GA left several residents of the wealthier side of town maidless this weekend. “It was horrible,” said local resident Carmela DeAngelis. “We were left with no choice but to make the bed, run cold water from the tap, and set the dining room table without any help whatsoever.” According to reports, Carmela DeAngelis’ agonizing maidlessness lasted more that 12 hours, ending only when an Chicago-area domestic temp agency rushed emergency replacements free of charge. “It was the least we could do,” said Mary Peter, manager of Maid To Order. “No rich person should ever have to go maidless, ever!” 'TABLOID NEWS EDITOR SQUELCHES STORY OF TABLOID PLAGIARISM ' How on earth did this headline make it to the printing press? I thought I killed that story. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red Watch, I have trouble sleeping at night because I live near a cemetery. Am I just being superstitious? Signed, Tarby -------------------------------------------- Dear Tarby, Sacrifice one of Miguel’s goats to appease the dead Indians. Then all will be well. Red -------------------------------------------- Dear Red, I like to gamble with company funds and sometimes I lose. I’m not sure how I’m going to pay my staff this month. What should I do? Signed, Father Pickles ---------------------------------------------- Dear Father Pickles, I swear to your boss, God, that if my paycheck bounces, I’m going to bounce you off the top of the highest building around, got it? I don’t care how you do it, just get me my money! Red 'CHOCOLATE RUMOURED TO BE APHRODISIAC ' With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, those who are not building bomb shelters in memory of the V-Day Massacre, are buying heart shaped chocolate in record numbers. “I’m just hoping to impress women,” said Randle, known bachelor. “With these little crappy, low quality chocolate hearts, I hope to give women the impression that I am a deep, soulful man, and worthy of attention.” Admittedly, this plan required women to be completely gullible and brain-dead, which if they were, Randle wouldn’t have these problems to begin with.